The Return of Olberdork (aka Keith Olbermann)


Monday night, the wait was finally over. Countdown with Keith Olbermann premiered on its new home, Current TV, the channel co-founded by Al Gore. Keith Olbermann sycophants no longer need to lean forward and take whatever MSNBC’s corporate media fascist bosses want to put on the air.

Yes, those horrible corporate media thugs, putting dolts like Joe Scarborough, Dylan Ratigan, and Ed Schultz on television.  What an outrage! Particularly since they unceremoniously canned Keith Olbermann, the modern day Edward R. Murrow.

Why, his Special Comments were pure journalistic genius!  He had the intellect to put aside facts and rely on his thesaurus and Google (to find literary quotes, or course).  That is an achievement that Brian Williams wishes he could pull off, but that blue collar simpleton, who didn’t even graduate college, will never reach the level of achievement of Mr. Olbermann.  Keith, of course, graduated from Cornell.  You know, the trailer park of the Ivy League.

Oh, yes, those Special Comments.  My heart flutters at the thought.  Who can forget the time he asked whether President Bush was “A pathological presidential liar, or an idiot-in-chief”?  Or the time when he so boldly spoke the truth and declared Senator Scott Brown “an irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, teabagging supporter of violence against woman and against politicians with whom he disagrees”?

And what about the time he demanded an apology from Mr. Bush, and even inquired “Have you no sense of decency, sir?”  Oh, what Murrow-esque excellence!

Monday night, the excellence continued.  He had such marvelous guests, including Michael Moore, the greatest filmmaker in the galaxy (pound for pound), and Markos Moulitsas, the far-left blogger from The Daily Kos who often gets mistaken for That ’70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama.

Mr. Moulitsas was banned from MSNBC after he alleged that Joe Scarborough killed a female intern while in Congress.  Those corporate fascists who run MSNBC could not take the truth.  While I personally had my money on Mike Barnacle, I could see Joe Scarborough as a murderer.

But Scarborough cried to his TV mom, Mika Brezinski, and his bosses, who in turn banned the greatest blogger ever from appearing on MSNBC.  Monday night, he was liberated and free to trash Scarborough as much as he wanted while Olbermann watched on with glee.

Olbermann taking shots at Scarborough. How original! Based on his channel’s positioning, I expected him to go after more worthy adversaries, like RuPaul or the Dog Whisperer.

Anyway, Olberdork has returned to the airwaves!  Alleluia, he is risen!  Let us rejoice and be glad!

For a real review of Olbermann’s first day of Countdown 2.0, check out this excellent review from Olbermann Watch.  I will post it in its entirety below, but I encourage you to check the Olbermann Watch website out.  It is a treasure trove of Olbermann information!

If you are unfamiliar with Keith Olbermann, this will not be very funny.  But if you are, it will be a real treat:

The new and improved Hour of Spin featured the same sort of opening spiel as ever. A rant against the Libyan war, and a slam on Reagan: “He’s dead and he was a lousy President”. Clarence Thomas. Conservatives selling their souls, And already a special education comment: government by the people, not by the corporations…like the ones who sponsor Countdown. And greatest cellphone video ever, where the audio drops out for an uncomfortably long time. We’re back on OlbyPlanet guys, so watch for attacks on Fox, Republicans, etc. But can the infamous, deplorable one find a way to actually bring up Bush for some primo bashing? Stay tuned!

#5 begins with “As I was saying…” Attack on Rove and Liz Cheney [ding!] for wanting to get the Libyan war over with by ramping up the strikes. Olby cites the Libyan foreign minister’s condemnation of the USA. Yeah, his sources are stellar as usual. Keithy stumbles into an accuracy (it had to be inadvertent) regarding the Congress role in war-making. He says Dennis Kucinich (D) is suing on this point. Actually, Keith doesn’t want to admit it but the lawsuit was not filed by just Kucinich but by a bipartisan group of ten lawmakers, both (D) and (R).

Then to explore the constitutional issues, who does Fat Ass bring on? Fatter Ass [the ‘fat ass’ is a reference to Olby calling FNC Chief Roger Ailes a fat ass]! Michael Moore, who is an expert in…what exactly? Never mind, at least he didn’t joke about wanting a hurricane to kill Republicans, like he did the time Olby found it so funny. The discussion was about as illuminating as a burned-out black light, and of course since you can’t take anything either one of them says at face value, it had no educational merit whatsoever. But it did serve a key Olbermahn purpose: they managed to swerve the topic to cherry-picking, torture, and–you guessed it–George W Bush! That’s more of a stretch than Olby’s vest but it was precisely where Oralmann wanted to go.

Then the special comment: contexualization, viewpoint, independence, malfeasance of Republicans, timidity of Democrats, and the obligatory obscure literary quote. This time: Harriet Beecher Stowe. And we were hoping for JK Rowling. But we’re thankful for small favors: it wasn’t Thurber.

Wow, the first break features ads from Lexus, Foster Grant, and Pradaxa (Big Pharma!). No corporatism here, eh Keithy? The break was interrupted by a typical tease: “Markos Moulitsas inside the Republican Cult”.

The next story (apparently they’re not being numbered as they were on A-Mess-NBC) is an attack on Clarence Thomas over ‘reported’ contributions to his wife and to a non-profit library. Now who better to analyze the ethics of a Supreme Court Justice than a convicted felon who is also a disbarred lawyer? That’s right, it’s John Dean lecturing others about ethics. Sort of like getting advice on modesty from Anthony Weiner. Sure enough Dean manages to bring Nixon into it. It must be noted here that both Olbermann and Dean focused their attack on the Supreme Court’s black justice. Isn’t this ‘racism, straight-up?’ Tease for an attack on Fox News. Talk about nostalgia! Man, it’s like ‘That 70s Show’, only more horrible.

Second break: Ads from Microsoft bookend a lengthy promo for a Current football show. Somebody couldn’t straight sell all their ad time?

Ooh goody, it’s the Current version of Oddball, cleverly called…’Time marches on’. Gee, the first story is about…a Microsoft store. Now there’s a coincidence. Then Hollywood dresses and Japanese robots. A tease for a Limbaugh attack (“right-wing radio talker”).

Third break: Ford Motors, Zantac (Big Pharma!)…hey, good thing they’re not delivering corporate news on this show, ain’t it?

Attack on talk radio, complete with the obligatory mispronouncing of Mark Levin’s name and cringe-inducing Oralmann ‘voice impression’. Lonesome Rhodes [ding!]. Politico’s Kenneth Vogel sacrificed any claim to integrity he had by appearing on OlbyPlanet to hype his report on alleged stealth advertising on talk radio. Monkeymann couldn’t wait to compare it to ‘payola’, and expressed phony ‘shock’. Vogel was Great Thanksed.

Fourth break: Chrysler motors, Geico, Spiriva (more Big Pharma!…it seems like we won’t be seeing any pharmaceutical exposes soon).

KO once boasted that he was dropping ‘Worst Persons’ in a nod to the new civility, but here it is again. Bronze: Sarah Palin. (Congrats to all who picked Palin as one of the three. Olby is about as unpredictable as Pavlov’s dog). Silver: Fox Noise [ding!] He bellowed that Fox ‘deceptively edited’ ‘one key moment’ from the Jon Stewart interview…how so? They edited the broadcast version, just as Stewart does, and posted the uncut version on line, just as Stewart does. Somehow, Edward R Olbermann failed to mention that Fox posted the entire unedited video online. Somehow Edward R Olbermann failed to mention that Fox’s online video was the source of the clip he played! And his claim that they edited out ‘one key moment’? Misleading: the unedited interview runs nearly 25 minutes, what aired is about 10 minutes less. A lot had to be trimmed to fit it into one Fox News Sunday segment, not just ‘one key moment’. As usual, when Merkle attacks Fox News, it’s not what he says, it’s all the things he doesn’t say, that prove him a liar. Gold: Some dumb cellphone video.

Fifth break: T Mobile, plus more Microsoft, Foster Grant, Chrysler ads. None of these are corporations of course, because Countdown would never take ads from corporations.

Final story: Inside the secessionist, racist Republican Cult…while running down these stories Monkeymann started talking at a mile a minute, because it was 8:57 and he still hadn’t brought on GOP expert Markos Moulitsas. Too bad we can’t do voice impressions here, like Oralmann does. But we’ll try. Moulitsas: Jon Huntsthman ith not embrathed by the grathrooth. hith tough thlog ith pretty much impothible. Itth gonna be tough to untheat Obama. Olby monumentously announced he would go over the 9pm time, to allow Moulitsas to claim Joe Thcarborough hath veto power at M-Eth-NBC (which is why Markos hasn’t been on MSNBC). Moulitsas lied, saying Thcarborough is the lowetht rated cable newth morning hotht. Funny thing, neither Markos nor Olby mentioned that Markos was banned for spreading a rumor that Joe Scarborough had murdered a woman in Florida. Funny that little detail didn’t come up, ain’t it? Moulitsas: I have a thick thkin. I’m happy that you’re here, you get to call the shots, and I’m going to do everything I can to help you. (You know, like trying to convince people that Joe Scarborough is a murderer.)

Papers into the camera and the first Countdown is mercifully over.

About Josh Kaib

Josh Kaib, a junior at American University, is President of AU College Republicans.
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